By Erin Sesemann, Ph.D., LMFT, CBIS, and Kayla Reeve, M.A., LMFTA

We have many different types of relationships: romantic, parent-child, sibling, friendship, and work relationships. Knowing if your relationship is healthy or unhealthy can be a challenge. While there are signs that make it easy to know if you are in a healthy relationship, such as open communication, it is harder to know if you are in an unhealthy relationship. Many feel confused about whether their relationship is really that bad. The purpose of this article is to help you learn the red flags or signs of unhealthy relationships and give you some ideas about how to end them.

The Four C’s of Healthy Relationships

Consider the four C’s – communication, caring, conflict resolution, and cultural differences – when looking for red flags. The things you say (verbal communication) and the way you say them (non-verbal communication) both matter when communicating. The first two communication red flags to look for are lying and expressing criticism toward you or the relationship. If your loved ones make frequent comments that blame you for their feelings or attack you with harsh words, this is a sign that your relationship is unhealthy. Non-verbal communication that is harmful to relationships includes intimidating posture, eye-rolling, and hostile facial expressions (e.g., showing boredom or aggression).

Paying attention to communication is very important during conflict resolution. When people begin to talk to each other in ways that are critical, defensive, disrespectful, mocking, or completely shut down, communication becomes destructive and should be considered a red flag. Respect is the foundation for communication in healthy relationships, and people in healthy relationships will take responsibility for their feelings and actions during conflict. Caring feelings are also notable in conversations when people in healthy relationships are talking with each other.

Cultural differences shape communication, conflict resolution, and how to show care within relationships. Culture includes how people experience the world through, for example, their race, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, sexual orientation, nationality, or religion. Culture also includes how these experiences help form a person’s beliefs, values, and worldviews. Navigating cultural differences is destructive when a person’s behavior becomes judgmental, attacking, or rejecting. If you experience prejudice, discrimination, or pressure to change your culture within a relationship, this is considered a red flag. It is a sign of a healthy relationship when people invest their time and energy into learning about each other’s cultures. Cultural differences can enrich the relationship when people remain open, curious, and nonjudgmental. It’s important to remember that abuse within a relationship is a critical red flag that should never be overlooked.

Abusive Relationships

Abuse in relationships can be psychological, emotional, or physical. It is abusive to coerce, control, or maintain power over people in relationships. Abuse includes emotional and physical violence such as hitting, slapping, insulting, demeaning, or exerting sexual pressure. Control can also be abusive. Some examples of control within a relationship include managing the finances in the household without discussion, refusing to provide money for necessary expenses, or pressuring a loved one to use alcohol or drugs. Isolation often happens in violent and controlling relationships. If your loved one prevents or discourages you from spending time with friends, family, or peers, this may be a red flag. Getting help and support is very important when ending an abusive relationship. Flip to the end of this article for resources that help with ending a relationship when you are concerned about your safety.

Ending Unhealthy Relationships

Taking a close look at your relationships is hard. The four steps below can help you get started.

Step One: Examine the Relationship

Unhealthy relationships are not always dangerous, but staying in an unhealthy relationship can lead you to dismiss red flags that might be detrimental. So, how do you know when it’s time to end a relationship? Consider what is keeping you in the relationship and what is making you think about ending it. Try to envision your life without the person or relationship and how that change might impact you. Ask yourself if you are willing to work with your loved one to address any red flags in the relationship as this will take effort from both partners. If you do not believe change can occur within your relationship or if you need assistance in making a decision, consider speaking with a professional counselor to help provide an unbiased perspective.

Step Two: Find Support

Building a support system is the next important step when deciding to end a relationship. A support system could include family, friends, or neighbors who you trust. Professional counseling can be an additional source of support when making a decision about your relationship. Contact the Brain Injury Association of America’s National Brain Injury Information Center at 1-800-444-6443 to help you learn about community resources in your area.

Step Three: Have Self-compassion

You may blame yourself or feel ashamed, guilty, or hopeless about the issues in your relationship. Forgiving yourself for your actions can help you move forward and end an unhealthy relationship. Accepting how you feel without judgment is helpful as you begin the healing process. You may need to practice self-care and work toward having compassion to help you cope. Self-care can include activities that calm your senses (e.g., soothing smells or sounds), ground yourself in the present moment (e.g., practicing mindfulness, meditation, yoga), increase your emotional awareness (e.g., journaling, drawing, art), or distract yourself from the problem (e.g., puzzle, TV, music).

Step Four: Improve Communication and Set Boundaries

Utilizing clear communication and setting firm boundaries are essential tools when ending a relationship. It is important to leave no doubt about what you will or will not do when ending a relationship. Staying firm in your intentions to end the relationship might be difficult if the other person tries to convince you to stay. Remember, focusing on how we say something as well as what we are saying is important! See the table below for examples.

Effective Communication	Ineffective Communication
“I feel worthless when we are doing chores, and you tell me I can’t do anything right.”	“You make me feel worthless”
“I feel unheard.”	“You’re not listening”
“I feel unappreciated and unimportant when you use your phone at dinnertime.”	“You’re always on your phone. You must care more about talking to other people.”

 

You can also try the responses below to help uphold your boundaries:

• “I remember things differently.”
• “If you continue to speak to me this way, I can no longer continue this conversation.”
• “I am not open to further discussion. I have made my decision and I no longer want to be in this relationship.”

Ending Relationships When There is a Safety Risk

It is important to gauge if your safety is at risk when ending a relationship. It may be smart to meet in a public setting or to avoid ending the relationship in person. Consider making a safety plan, which consists of creating a personalized plan that prioritizes your safety after leaving a relationship. This may include having an emergency bag of important items such as birth certificates, social security cards, medications, medical records, insurance documentation, cash, clothes, etc. If you feel your safety is at risk, please review the resources below.

• American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy
• American Counseling Association
• American Psychological Association
• Battered Women’s Justice Project, 1-800-903-0111 | bwjp.org
• Legal Momentum, 1-212-925-6635 | legalmomentum.org
• Love is Respect: Call 1-866-331-9474 or Text LOVEIS to 22522
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788
• National Resource Center on Domestic Violence: 1-800-537-2238 | nrcdv.org
• National Runway Safeline: 1-800-RUNAWAY or 1-800-786-2929 | 1800runaway.org
• The National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

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This article originally appeared in Volume 16, Issue 1 of THE Challenge! published in 2022.